i've been back in a horrifying state of mind. a state of mind that i haven't been in for a while. parts of my psychosis (the mania and isolation episodes) keep coming back in waves. it's torture. like, actual torture. i wouldn't wish this on anyone. fucking ANYONE. it's been hard to grasp my identity as of recently. my mind feels like it's splitting in two. it's not even that i inherently want to die. but my anxiety is suffocating and the depressive symptoms i've been going through have been awful. i just want something to make it stop. i feel weirdly lonely, but i want to run from everyone at the same time.

i don't know what this is. why it's still happening after i'm fully medicated. i don't understand. no matter how hard i try to wrap my head around it. what is it? is it more than just psychosis? do i genuinely need to have an assessment about whatever the fuck i have? how do i know the medical system won't fuck me over more than it already has? am i just beyond fixing at this point? is it too much for everyone? i just want answers. anything. anything to ease this. all i want is help. please help me

i have to say, yesterday was a good day! i got out of the house and went to the thrift store, and while i didn't have too much luck finding plushies, it was still super cool to get out nonetheless. and i'm also back on all of my vitamins as per needed. things are looking brighter! my mom said i should have a new therapist within 48 hours. i'm not being referred to the place i use to go for psychiatric help, though, as they referred me to another place since my mental issues are stated to need higher care.

not really too bummed out about that part. i'm just very grateful to be getting mental help, and staying medicated. i had been running out of anxiety medication lately, so i'm pretty relieved to have all my prescriptions refilled. things are looking up! still no period though

i'm out of my isolation episode. thankfully. i've been taking steps to better my strategies. things have been overall better. i've been handling things better. i am super thankful to my boyfriend, friends, and family. thanks for being here when i give up on myself.

i feel like SUCH a shitty person but i know most of this isn't my fault. i just want to run from all of this shit but i know nothing good will come out of it. i hurt way more people than just the guy i love by running away. lost a lot of friends too. people still wonder why i don't talk to them now that i'm back. i just can't bring myself to. i know that's selfish. but they're happier now. i'm sure they've forgotten about me by now.

maybe i should take some time off. or just take my meds. idk

the whole trio (henry, jasper and charlotte) makes me so sad. i wish we honestly got to see more of their dynamic before crime fighting because they seemed to have So much chemistry 💔 (especially henry and jasper which honestly makes sense because they've known each other since they were like 5 years old) i'll go into the trio's Tragic friendship another time since i'm gonna be talking about henry a lot here because uhhh I'm Kind of Obsessed with his character LOL he's very interesting for a protagonist on a fucking Nickelodeon sitcom but anyways. this dude has been through so much bullshit and he deserved a normal teenage life he signed up to be ray's sidekick at THIRTEEN YEARS OLD!!! like we see him sleep deprived in season 1 when trying to balance his normal life and work life. he has a shitty birthday because he has to work. he barely starts addressing his most important problem, being balancing his normal life as a teenager being henry hart and his sidekick life as kid danger, and where his identity lies in that in barely the LAST season, being season 5. it's brushed off again as the person he was talking to, being his boss (ray), was asleep at the wheel. it comes up again in s5e37 (the beginning of the end), where henry finds out he's the only one in his friend group not graduating, and him and ray have their biggest argument yet. he was so caught up, as he himself said, saving other people's lives that he never got to have his own. even in the end, when he thought he was going to die when the blimp went down, he was still saving the lives of other people. still willing to die as kid danger than live as henry hart. but if henry's not kid danger, where will he find his purpose? beyond being henry, who really is he? okay so um YEAH i have a lot to say about this show and henry in particular but i can't muster up anything else cuz my mind is like Overloading. honestly it feels like i'm just reiterating what people have said about this show on tumblr LOL BUT YEAH this show is fucking crazy and i will never stop feeling bad for this main cast because jesus fucking christ :(